Well it would appear that life is definitely a roller coaster, not just an up-and-down type of roller coaster but one that takes you super high and spins you all around, all while the actual car itself is spinning around.
This past May I picked up a second job working with centennial management group which provides staffing and security services for the Maverick center usana amphitheater and any other place and where conventions or concerts are taking place that hire my company. It’s not a bad gig all in all. I have been able to see many concerts through this second job and it’s awesome because I’m being paid to see bands that I want to see anyway. I picked up a second job in hopes of being able to put additional money towards paying down some debt.
It’s frustrating though because I feel that when I am working, my wife can’t get much of anything done at the house because the kids won’t go down to bed for her, Or at least the twins won’t go down for her as easily as they do for me. This is incredibly frustrating because were supposed to be a team that Splits responsibilities equally when ones go on the other picks of the slack. This has lead to Us fighting a lot more. The fighting has going on to the point now where I don’t even know how I feel about my wife. Which is sad because at one point I loved her and now I’m not sure what I feel other than just animosity as of late.
The thing that makes it hard especially is that I love my daughter and my boys and I don’t want to mess the lives up if we split up, however if we stay together and things continue to be like this it can also mess their lives up. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don’t really have anyone to turn to and express how I truly feel. Work is keeping me busy at my main job which is great and really doing well there. But internally and feel like I’m just a mess mentally and emotionally and we will also say physically right now because I just I’m so exhausted because I’m up late so often dealing with cleaning up the house doing laundry and things like that. Each and every time I talk to my wife about this, it causes another fight in which they say I do a walk around the house too. To which I usually i rebutted “will you show me what you do then? because I come home in the middle of the night sometimes after 11:30 to midnight and find the house destroyed.”Which I end up staying up late and cleaning. I know I should just go to sleep but my mother also watches our children for us while my wife and I work in our main jobs and I feel bad she comes over finding the house to be destroyed.
Today was no exception to said arguing, I don’t know how much more this I can take. I actually told my wife that I hate her and at a later point in the evening I flat out told her that I should’ve let her break up with me instead of me fighting to stay with her. Starting to feel like marrying her was a massive mistake. I know I shouldn’t feel this way because I have my children with her. But unfortunately that also just causes greater amounts of problems if we did split up because of the whole who gets the kids for how long? Who will take our daughter to school (Which is always me, due to the close proximity of my work to our home and her school), how much child-support I would end up paying since I live in a state that seems to be very much against fathers having sole custody of their children.
I am more than well aware of the fact that a child needs their father and mother together but also I feel that in situations that are similar to this one it might be better for them to not be together. However I also worry about My wife Storrey today at again, and who’s to say that she didn’t bring home some predator of some sort by now fault of her own. It’s not that I don’t trust my wife I just don’t trust other people with my daughter. Also I have nowhere to go if we did end up splitting up or even separating because my siblings don’t seem to understand the concept of moving out staying out. So therefore there’s no room for me at my parents house. I’m finding a place that’s closer proximity to work at my daughter school will be a living hell. My only hope is that I can keep working really hard to get a good race of this is happened like afford a better place and time. I’m starting to have a really hard time with everything else in my life other than my job that’s one of the very good things is happening to me right now. Starting to wonder if god is even aware of me anymore because of everything that goes on and how badly I feel about everything.
