Amazing grace that saved a wretch like me!

 This last week has been one of amazing growth and redemption. It all started when we were driving up to logan Utah to see shays sister holly and to visit her fathers grave, yesterday (10/22/2020) marked four years since shays dad Ron passed away. While we were driving the kids were talking quietly amongst themselves, so shay and I started taking about life and how things are going. The subject came to my mind and how me having attention deficit hyperactivity disorder really effects how my brain reacts to things and how my mind causes me to have much stronger attachments to people and things. This ended up evolving into a discussion about how some things remind me of people I dated in the past. We got onto the subject if my ex-girlfriend Allison, of course at this time we were passing by the Freeway exit I took every time I would go see her when we were dating. I told shay that a lot if things remind me of her, after all we were together for almost 2.5 years when I ended our relationship because she had sex with a guy, who later impregnated her thus necessitating a wedding. I told shay that i don’t like remembering these things about her and that lately she has been on my mind a lot lately, which frustrates me as well. Shay told me thats nothing to be ashamed of and that she isn’t worried about it. 

We had family time with Holly, and it was a really nice experience, peaceful and calm. This changed on the way home because my daughter caroline ended up having to use the restroom roughly every 45 minutes, first at holly's as we left Logan and then when we reached the far west exit (Allisons exit) by the time we pulled into the Maverik gas station parking lot the twins started crying about having to pee, i told them that they have pull-ups on so they can go in them. After what felt like forever shay came back out with cece, she had to go number 2 this time. The next thing i know she has to go again while we are near 4500 s freeway exit and the twins have been crying about having to use the bathroom i finally lost it after hearing screaming i screamed at everyone which didn't stop until we got home (off and on) while we were at the gas station on 4500 S I checked the boys turns out they peed through their pull-ups and pants onto their carseats. By this time we were only 15 minutes or so from home. I get them home and changed then take apart their carseats to wash the lining. 

The next day i’m working when my buddy dave asks me if i’d like to go to the gym with him, i jumped at that opportunity without hesitation, for me to clear my head completely which is what I needed that day especially is to go to the gym and destroy my body (within reason). I love the feeling of soreness that comes from a great workout there’s nothing like it. While i was driving to the gym i called my friend ashley, she’s actually from the foothill ranch ward where i was serving when I had to break up with Allison. Ashley is much like me in the fact that she also has ADHD, i asked her why my mind keeps coming back with all of these memories and feeing about Allison. She responded  with a story about she and her sister who both had a similarly abrupt ending to a relationship (not exactly like mine but still). She told that neither of them got closure and all three of our experiences were traumatic and hurt us extremely deeply, especially in my case because I was so in love with Allison to the point that I was planning on marrying her, so what she did hurt me that much more. The moment ashley said this and I heard the word traumatic it was like a lightbulb turned on inside my brain, I said “holy crap you’re so right!! It was an extremely traumatic experience for me to have to go through, especially since I was serving a mission and couldn’t take the time to process these things fully, I essentially buried these feelings so far down that I never processed them and these fourteen years later i’m finally confronting them!” I thanked her profusely for talking with me and i met up with dave at the gym. That gym session was so extremely cathartic, I explained to dave what was going on and what happened to me as we lifted I began feeling a little better. 

The next day during work i felt like i needed to meet with my bishop, whom i love like a brother he's amazing! I texted the ward executive secretary asking if bishop had any openings for that evening, which he confirmed an appointment for 7:00 was open. With that I finished my work day and went to a chiropractic  appointment which was also extremely helpful. As i was at my appointment with Bishop Ashby I began explaining how things between shay and I were going and the experiences if the last few days. I explained how I felt like i needed a priesthood blessing which he was more than happy to provide (our church has Christ’s true authority restored to the earth and can provide such things if worthy and given the proper authority by one whom is authorized to bestow the priesthood authority) the blessing was so very powerful and exactly what i needed to hear but more importantly what i needed to feel through the holy spirit of god. 

Wednesday i felt much better and i was able to keep pondering my traumatic experience  and how it made me feel, i began thinking about how i was able to push through the sadness of losing “the love of my life” and i remember that a very dear friend of mine named Robyn and her family (mom and three sisters) began writing me letters again out of the blue. I sent robyn a message on Facebook messenger thanking her for what her and her families letters did for me while i was serving my mission  

As i was looking at the picture above my computer of The Savior pulling Peter out of storm tossed sea, i was reminded of a training that my first mission president, President Garner gave us at a zone conference  during my mission about making Christ the center of our lives, at that very moment I realized that I was peter sinking and that I have been sinking for years and years without seeing it. At that moment I felt an amazing feeing of light and warmth enter my heart and if I was being healed by the very power of the priesthood that christ used to walk on the water, and the same love he showed Peter when he saved him. I’ve rarely fely such a powerful confirmation that god is there for me and that he and his son loves me more than i will ever know. I promptly wrote Robyn a message on Facebook messenger telling her about everything and how her families amazing letters gave me hope, hope for me and for my future and that somebody else could love me  

Ever since that amazing experience these last few days i felt like an incredibly indescribable weight has been lifted from the deepest depths of my soul, i haven’t yelled at my wife (we fought frequently and it got very heated and emotionally charged) i have barely raised my voice to my kids which is also amazing!!!

When i retuned home from my church mission i met with my stake president, and i have to say the very moment i had to take my missionary name tag off and was released from the mantle of missionary it was the hardest thing I had to do in my life to that point, i wept openly. When my stake president asked me who are given the title of elder in our church, i responded missionaries and general authorities in our church are called elder, said title means that we are special witnesses of christ that's when i lost it. The following sunday i was asked to report to the stake high council about my missionary service, this happens to each missionary who returns home from serving a mission. I remember testifying about how i used to think i knew that god lives as does his son, I told them that my mission changed me and my feelings from belief to knowledge, I told them that I knew god and his son Jesus Christ. I can definitively say that what I thought to be true back on October, 14th, 2007 wasn’t even close to what I know today! God is there and will never turn his back on us, It’s us his children who turn away from him, he will wait for us to turn back to him, and welcome us with open arms. I can say for sure that i will do everything in my power to never lose focus of what is truly important in my life, that being my god, my wife and my children. God is so very real and loves his children so so much, as does our lord and savior Jesus Christ, his atonement has healed my broken soul and heart in a way that i can’t ever describe or hope to repay him for.

Pandemic panshmemic

 It’s been some time since i’ve posted. But lets recap, we bought a home in herriman utah.  It’s been a major blessing. We moved in march 14th, then march 16 the global Covid-19 pandemic hit home. My company closed our office and enacted a forced work from home order for all employees with a few minor exceptions mostly for employees who don’t have the ability to work from home. To say it has been a difficult transition is an extreme understatement, this has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. It has been extremely taxing for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

To be honest I haven't been doing so well spiritually. I feel like I’m losing whatever connection I had with god. Which is disconcerting because I’m supposed to be the priesthood leader in my home and to lead my family in righteousness etc... Lately it feels like my prayers have been falling on deaf ears which deep down I know isn’t true. 

Another interesting thing that has happened is that my daughter has started kindergarten which is incredible to me because I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to take her to and from school. Cece is in the morning class, and as it turns out there is a little girl in our ward who is also in her class. This is definitely a tender mercy because she was originally in the pm class but we received an email from her teacher asking if any parents would be willing to switch to the am class which shay and I agreed would be a better idea. When caroline discovered that this girl was in our ward she was unbelievably excited, now she has a Little best friend. Caroline has been taking singing lessons from bella’s mother, she goes every week which is really fun for her because her class is comprised of a few kids her age, she is loving it so far.

The thing that made things hard for me lately is just the stress, combined with the lack of ability to really get out and do anything I need to take care of myself emotionally and physically I really need a physical outlet to help keep my mind clear and to focus. I’ve been letting the stress build up, when I get really stressed my mind wanders, lately it has wandered back to a girl I used to date whom I broke up with while serving my mission because she had sex with a guy, this really hurt because I truly loved her and she sent me a commitment letter 3 days into my time at the missionary training center. I was completely blindsided by the sex letter so to say I was hurt is a complete understatement, we were planning on getting married when I finished my missionary service. I was on my mission for 10.5 months when I got the letter that changed my life forever. What made things that much harder is that I didn’t have the option to just lay down and die for however long it would take to get over it. I had work to do and couldn’t waste any time dwelling on what happened. I did my best to push everything out of focus and keep working which was difficult but I feel like I was much more focused on my purpose as a missionary, to bring people unto Christ and his glorious gospel. Outwardly I was keeping it together but inside I was a mess, I was so torn up I actually asked my mission president for a priesthood blessing, which I must say was a deeply spiritual experience, I also went to the temple, in the spirit of fasting and prayer petitioning the lord for guidance. My answer came in the form of another letter from her telling me she hadn’t gone to her branch president about what happened, I knew then that it was truly over between us and that I had to let her go. 

Shortly after I got the letter I was transferred to a new area where I was told by a mutual friend that she got pregnant by the guy she had sex with. That was yet another blow to me, (prior to being transferred to The new area) after I began letting her go I received a letter from an old friend a girl named hEireann (erin) who i absolutely adored, she and her family were like a second family to me, her older sister robin who was a good friend of mine and her mom and other sisters were writing me already off and on which I loved. She and I hit it off all over again, which I feel was definitely therapeutic for me, I told her everything that happened and overtime she ended up confessing that she loves me, which kind of caught me off guard when I read that letter because it made me realize that I had really deep feelings for her too. Reading her letters and writing back to her became a joy for me, it brought hope back into my life and heart, i looked forward to hearing from her and her wonderful family on a weekly basis it was such a highlight for me. With each letter I would get a response almost right away which I really loved and appreciated too because it really helped me take my mind off things for a brief time, and of course I got letters and emails from my family which was also greatly appreciated. They all helped to make things easier for me is the pain that I was feeling. The more we wrote each other the closer we got, I felt that it was the Lord’s will for Allison and I to break up, which helped me realize that I could find love somewhere else from someone else. For the longest time I while we were dating in high school I kept feeling like nobody else could love me, she was not the best person in the world for me, she was a good person however she was manipulative and was always trying to change me and get me to push boundaries of morality, which I didn’t realize that at the time.  

After I completed my two year missionary service I returned home on October 10, 2007. It was insane to see how much my siblings had grown and changed in the two years i had been gone. My first official day back I went with my dad to work at the Salt Lake Temple. I went and did some temple work then met hEireann at the temple and did some temple baptisms as well, we began dating which was a wonderful experience although it didn’t really last long hut we remained friends, ironically after we stopped seeing each other she was also impregnated by a guy she was seeing. 

Life lately Has been insane, and wrought with depression, hopelessness, Emptiness, fear, frustration, and many other negative feelings. I know it’s up to me to push through these feelings and see the good in life and the positive which I will do. I know god lives and loves me and that he really is there for us and will continue to be there if we just take the time to seek him and his spirit. I know that as I continue to do this that my life will be that much better and I will have a greater measure of his spirit with me always.