Pandemic panshmemic

 It’s been some time since i’ve posted. But lets recap, we bought a home in herriman utah.  It’s been a major blessing. We moved in march 14th, then march 16 the global Covid-19 pandemic hit home. My company closed our office and enacted a forced work from home order for all employees with a few minor exceptions mostly for employees who don’t have the ability to work from home. To say it has been a difficult transition is an extreme understatement, this has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. It has been extremely taxing for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

To be honest I haven't been doing so well spiritually. I feel like I’m losing whatever connection I had with god. Which is disconcerting because I’m supposed to be the priesthood leader in my home and to lead my family in righteousness etc... Lately it feels like my prayers have been falling on deaf ears which deep down I know isn’t true. 

Another interesting thing that has happened is that my daughter has started kindergarten which is incredible to me because I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to take her to and from school. Cece is in the morning class, and as it turns out there is a little girl in our ward who is also in her class. This is definitely a tender mercy because she was originally in the pm class but we received an email from her teacher asking if any parents would be willing to switch to the am class which shay and I agreed would be a better idea. When caroline discovered that this girl was in our ward she was unbelievably excited, now she has a Little best friend. Caroline has been taking singing lessons from bella’s mother, she goes every week which is really fun for her because her class is comprised of a few kids her age, she is loving it so far.

The thing that made things hard for me lately is just the stress, combined with the lack of ability to really get out and do anything I need to take care of myself emotionally and physically I really need a physical outlet to help keep my mind clear and to focus. I’ve been letting the stress build up, when I get really stressed my mind wanders, lately it has wandered back to a girl I used to date whom I broke up with while serving my mission because she had sex with a guy, this really hurt because I truly loved her and she sent me a commitment letter 3 days into my time at the missionary training center. I was completely blindsided by the sex letter so to say I was hurt is a complete understatement, we were planning on getting married when I finished my missionary service. I was on my mission for 10.5 months when I got the letter that changed my life forever. What made things that much harder is that I didn’t have the option to just lay down and die for however long it would take to get over it. I had work to do and couldn’t waste any time dwelling on what happened. I did my best to push everything out of focus and keep working which was difficult but I feel like I was much more focused on my purpose as a missionary, to bring people unto Christ and his glorious gospel. Outwardly I was keeping it together but inside I was a mess, I was so torn up I actually asked my mission president for a priesthood blessing, which I must say was a deeply spiritual experience, I also went to the temple, in the spirit of fasting and prayer petitioning the lord for guidance. My answer came in the form of another letter from her telling me she hadn’t gone to her branch president about what happened, I knew then that it was truly over between us and that I had to let her go. 

Shortly after I got the letter I was transferred to a new area where I was told by a mutual friend that she got pregnant by the guy she had sex with. That was yet another blow to me, (prior to being transferred to The new area) after I began letting her go I received a letter from an old friend a girl named hEireann (erin) who i absolutely adored, she and her family were like a second family to me, her older sister robin who was a good friend of mine and her mom and other sisters were writing me already off and on which I loved. She and I hit it off all over again, which I feel was definitely therapeutic for me, I told her everything that happened and overtime she ended up confessing that she loves me, which kind of caught me off guard when I read that letter because it made me realize that I had really deep feelings for her too. Reading her letters and writing back to her became a joy for me, it brought hope back into my life and heart, i looked forward to hearing from her and her wonderful family on a weekly basis it was such a highlight for me. With each letter I would get a response almost right away which I really loved and appreciated too because it really helped me take my mind off things for a brief time, and of course I got letters and emails from my family which was also greatly appreciated. They all helped to make things easier for me is the pain that I was feeling. The more we wrote each other the closer we got, I felt that it was the Lord’s will for Allison and I to break up, which helped me realize that I could find love somewhere else from someone else. For the longest time I while we were dating in high school I kept feeling like nobody else could love me, she was not the best person in the world for me, she was a good person however she was manipulative and was always trying to change me and get me to push boundaries of morality, which I didn’t realize that at the time.  

After I completed my two year missionary service I returned home on October 10, 2007. It was insane to see how much my siblings had grown and changed in the two years i had been gone. My first official day back I went with my dad to work at the Salt Lake Temple. I went and did some temple work then met hEireann at the temple and did some temple baptisms as well, we began dating which was a wonderful experience although it didn’t really last long hut we remained friends, ironically after we stopped seeing each other she was also impregnated by a guy she was seeing. 

Life lately Has been insane, and wrought with depression, hopelessness, Emptiness, fear, frustration, and many other negative feelings. I know it’s up to me to push through these feelings and see the good in life and the positive which I will do. I know god lives and loves me and that he really is there for us and will continue to be there if we just take the time to seek him and his spirit. I know that as I continue to do this that my life will be that much better and I will have a greater measure of his spirit with me always.