Easter general conference changed me.

 I was sitting at home trying to listen to the Sunday morning session on easter Sunday Elder Soares spoke, during the beginning of his talk my mind was opened up to remembering a talk given in October 2006 Saturday afternoon session of general conference given by the late Elder Joseph B Worthlin, entitled “Sunday will come” in which he shares a beautiful testimony about the atonement, death and resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. While pondering that amazingly beautiful talk, my mind was opened and I received the following revelation about what happened on my mission with Allison in the Foothill Ranch ward (my third area). The talk was given after I received the letter that eventually caused me to end our relationship due to her actions, but during the time I spend figuring out what to do. The experience with her poor actions and the pain they caused me was in essence my gethsemane and the remaining three months I served in that area were my personal time in the tomb. My being transferred from that area after was in essence my resurrection as a new and different/better missionary. 

The remaining 12 months of my mission were in fact an extremely different experience for me, it was like I had my eyes opened and my focus and drive were increased. The work was hastened amazingly and I had some (mostly) amazing companions and other missionaries to serve around. It felt like my mind was cleared and I recognized certain things that I needed to clear up within my soul with the help of President Garner (a sweet experience in and of itself).

The revelation the Lord revealed to me was indeed a gift from him and felt like he was ready for me to start the next chapter in my life. Another amazing blessing from this experience is that I finally understood why I was supposed to go through what I did with Allison and the pain it caused me. It was meant to provide me with a greater understanding of the power of the Lord’s Atoning sacrifice and how it can redeem us from everything. 

The experience allowed my heart and soul to completely heal from the damages that it caused me. Now I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am 100% completely over Allison and the pain she caused me and have gained a greater appreciation for the experiences I had while we were together. 

The experience all started when I was working security at a Jazz game the Friday before easter. I started chatting with a good friend of mine named Holly. We started talking about our family easter plans and how we were both going to spend time with our respective families. When I asked her a simple question about where her family lived, when she answered North Ogden I told her I dated a girl that lived in North Ogden before my mission. She asked what her name was I told her which she responded that she knew her and were friends with their family. This lead to her asking me to tell her the whole story about Allison and myself, or as I called the “Allison Saga!” The whole time she kept saying oh my gosh, to which I reaponded, theres more 😄. After I finished the whole story she said oh my gosh I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you. She then told me that Allison has recently divorced, which kind of made me feel sad for her. Though she did what she did to me I still didn’t wish that to happen to her. 

The lord is so amazing and though we are uncertain of why things happen to us the way they do at times it’s not up to us to wonder why, it’s up to us to try and learn what we can and have faith that in time things will be made clear to us. 

Amazing grace that saved a wretch like me!

 This last week has been one of amazing growth and redemption. It all started when we were driving up to logan Utah to see shays sister holly and to visit her fathers grave, yesterday (10/22/2020) marked four years since shays dad Ron passed away. While we were driving the kids were talking quietly amongst themselves, so shay and I started taking about life and how things are going. The subject came to my mind and how me having attention deficit hyperactivity disorder really effects how my brain reacts to things and how my mind causes me to have much stronger attachments to people and things. This ended up evolving into a discussion about how some things remind me of people I dated in the past. We got onto the subject if my ex-girlfriend Allison, of course at this time we were passing by the Freeway exit I took every time I would go see her when we were dating. I told shay that a lot if things remind me of her, after all we were together for almost 2.5 years when I ended our relationship because she had sex with a guy, who later impregnated her thus necessitating a wedding. I told shay that i don’t like remembering these things about her and that lately she has been on my mind a lot lately, which frustrates me as well. Shay told me thats nothing to be ashamed of and that she isn’t worried about it. 

We had family time with Holly, and it was a really nice experience, peaceful and calm. This changed on the way home because my daughter caroline ended up having to use the restroom roughly every 45 minutes, first at holly's as we left Logan and then when we reached the far west exit (Allisons exit) by the time we pulled into the Maverik gas station parking lot the twins started crying about having to pee, i told them that they have pull-ups on so they can go in them. After what felt like forever shay came back out with cece, she had to go number 2 this time. The next thing i know she has to go again while we are near 4500 s freeway exit and the twins have been crying about having to use the bathroom i finally lost it after hearing screaming i screamed at everyone which didn't stop until we got home (off and on) while we were at the gas station on 4500 S I checked the boys turns out they peed through their pull-ups and pants onto their carseats. By this time we were only 15 minutes or so from home. I get them home and changed then take apart their carseats to wash the lining. 

The next day i’m working when my buddy dave asks me if i’d like to go to the gym with him, i jumped at that opportunity without hesitation, for me to clear my head completely which is what I needed that day especially is to go to the gym and destroy my body (within reason). I love the feeling of soreness that comes from a great workout there’s nothing like it. While i was driving to the gym i called my friend ashley, she’s actually from the foothill ranch ward where i was serving when I had to break up with Allison. Ashley is much like me in the fact that she also has ADHD, i asked her why my mind keeps coming back with all of these memories and feeing about Allison. She responded  with a story about she and her sister who both had a similarly abrupt ending to a relationship (not exactly like mine but still). She told that neither of them got closure and all three of our experiences were traumatic and hurt us extremely deeply, especially in my case because I was so in love with Allison to the point that I was planning on marrying her, so what she did hurt me that much more. The moment ashley said this and I heard the word traumatic it was like a lightbulb turned on inside my brain, I said “holy crap you’re so right!! It was an extremely traumatic experience for me to have to go through, especially since I was serving a mission and couldn’t take the time to process these things fully, I essentially buried these feelings so far down that I never processed them and these fourteen years later i’m finally confronting them!” I thanked her profusely for talking with me and i met up with dave at the gym. That gym session was so extremely cathartic, I explained to dave what was going on and what happened to me as we lifted I began feeling a little better. 

The next day during work i felt like i needed to meet with my bishop, whom i love like a brother he's amazing! I texted the ward executive secretary asking if bishop had any openings for that evening, which he confirmed an appointment for 7:00 was open. With that I finished my work day and went to a chiropractic  appointment which was also extremely helpful. As i was at my appointment with Bishop Ashby I began explaining how things between shay and I were going and the experiences if the last few days. I explained how I felt like i needed a priesthood blessing which he was more than happy to provide (our church has Christ’s true authority restored to the earth and can provide such things if worthy and given the proper authority by one whom is authorized to bestow the priesthood authority) the blessing was so very powerful and exactly what i needed to hear but more importantly what i needed to feel through the holy spirit of god. 

Wednesday i felt much better and i was able to keep pondering my traumatic experience  and how it made me feel, i began thinking about how i was able to push through the sadness of losing “the love of my life” and i remember that a very dear friend of mine named Robyn and her family (mom and three sisters) began writing me letters again out of the blue. I sent robyn a message on Facebook messenger thanking her for what her and her families letters did for me while i was serving my mission  

As i was looking at the picture above my computer of The Savior pulling Peter out of storm tossed sea, i was reminded of a training that my first mission president, President Garner gave us at a zone conference  during my mission about making Christ the center of our lives, at that very moment I realized that I was peter sinking and that I have been sinking for years and years without seeing it. At that moment I felt an amazing feeing of light and warmth enter my heart and if I was being healed by the very power of the priesthood that christ used to walk on the water, and the same love he showed Peter when he saved him. I’ve rarely fely such a powerful confirmation that god is there for me and that he and his son loves me more than i will ever know. I promptly wrote Robyn a message on Facebook messenger telling her about everything and how her families amazing letters gave me hope, hope for me and for my future and that somebody else could love me  

Ever since that amazing experience these last few days i felt like an incredibly indescribable weight has been lifted from the deepest depths of my soul, i haven’t yelled at my wife (we fought frequently and it got very heated and emotionally charged) i have barely raised my voice to my kids which is also amazing!!!

When i retuned home from my church mission i met with my stake president, and i have to say the very moment i had to take my missionary name tag off and was released from the mantle of missionary it was the hardest thing I had to do in my life to that point, i wept openly. When my stake president asked me who are given the title of elder in our church, i responded missionaries and general authorities in our church are called elder, said title means that we are special witnesses of christ that's when i lost it. The following sunday i was asked to report to the stake high council about my missionary service, this happens to each missionary who returns home from serving a mission. I remember testifying about how i used to think i knew that god lives as does his son, I told them that my mission changed me and my feelings from belief to knowledge, I told them that I knew god and his son Jesus Christ. I can definitively say that what I thought to be true back on October, 14th, 2007 wasn’t even close to what I know today! God is there and will never turn his back on us, It’s us his children who turn away from him, he will wait for us to turn back to him, and welcome us with open arms. I can say for sure that i will do everything in my power to never lose focus of what is truly important in my life, that being my god, my wife and my children. God is so very real and loves his children so so much, as does our lord and savior Jesus Christ, his atonement has healed my broken soul and heart in a way that i can’t ever describe or hope to repay him for.

Pandemic panshmemic

 It’s been some time since i’ve posted. But lets recap, we bought a home in herriman utah.  It’s been a major blessing. We moved in march 14th, then march 16 the global Covid-19 pandemic hit home. My company closed our office and enacted a forced work from home order for all employees with a few minor exceptions mostly for employees who don’t have the ability to work from home. To say it has been a difficult transition is an extreme understatement, this has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. It has been extremely taxing for me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

To be honest I haven't been doing so well spiritually. I feel like I’m losing whatever connection I had with god. Which is disconcerting because I’m supposed to be the priesthood leader in my home and to lead my family in righteousness etc... Lately it feels like my prayers have been falling on deaf ears which deep down I know isn’t true. 

Another interesting thing that has happened is that my daughter has started kindergarten which is incredible to me because I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to take her to and from school. Cece is in the morning class, and as it turns out there is a little girl in our ward who is also in her class. This is definitely a tender mercy because she was originally in the pm class but we received an email from her teacher asking if any parents would be willing to switch to the am class which shay and I agreed would be a better idea. When caroline discovered that this girl was in our ward she was unbelievably excited, now she has a Little best friend. Caroline has been taking singing lessons from bella’s mother, she goes every week which is really fun for her because her class is comprised of a few kids her age, she is loving it so far.

The thing that made things hard for me lately is just the stress, combined with the lack of ability to really get out and do anything I need to take care of myself emotionally and physically I really need a physical outlet to help keep my mind clear and to focus. I’ve been letting the stress build up, when I get really stressed my mind wanders, lately it has wandered back to a girl I used to date whom I broke up with while serving my mission because she had sex with a guy, this really hurt because I truly loved her and she sent me a commitment letter 3 days into my time at the missionary training center. I was completely blindsided by the sex letter so to say I was hurt is a complete understatement, we were planning on getting married when I finished my missionary service. I was on my mission for 10.5 months when I got the letter that changed my life forever. What made things that much harder is that I didn’t have the option to just lay down and die for however long it would take to get over it. I had work to do and couldn’t waste any time dwelling on what happened. I did my best to push everything out of focus and keep working which was difficult but I feel like I was much more focused on my purpose as a missionary, to bring people unto Christ and his glorious gospel. Outwardly I was keeping it together but inside I was a mess, I was so torn up I actually asked my mission president for a priesthood blessing, which I must say was a deeply spiritual experience, I also went to the temple, in the spirit of fasting and prayer petitioning the lord for guidance. My answer came in the form of another letter from her telling me she hadn’t gone to her branch president about what happened, I knew then that it was truly over between us and that I had to let her go. 

Shortly after I got the letter I was transferred to a new area where I was told by a mutual friend that she got pregnant by the guy she had sex with. That was yet another blow to me, (prior to being transferred to The new area) after I began letting her go I received a letter from an old friend a girl named hEireann (erin) who i absolutely adored, she and her family were like a second family to me, her older sister robin who was a good friend of mine and her mom and other sisters were writing me already off and on which I loved. She and I hit it off all over again, which I feel was definitely therapeutic for me, I told her everything that happened and overtime she ended up confessing that she loves me, which kind of caught me off guard when I read that letter because it made me realize that I had really deep feelings for her too. Reading her letters and writing back to her became a joy for me, it brought hope back into my life and heart, i looked forward to hearing from her and her wonderful family on a weekly basis it was such a highlight for me. With each letter I would get a response almost right away which I really loved and appreciated too because it really helped me take my mind off things for a brief time, and of course I got letters and emails from my family which was also greatly appreciated. They all helped to make things easier for me is the pain that I was feeling. The more we wrote each other the closer we got, I felt that it was the Lord’s will for Allison and I to break up, which helped me realize that I could find love somewhere else from someone else. For the longest time I while we were dating in high school I kept feeling like nobody else could love me, she was not the best person in the world for me, she was a good person however she was manipulative and was always trying to change me and get me to push boundaries of morality, which I didn’t realize that at the time.  

After I completed my two year missionary service I returned home on October 10, 2007. It was insane to see how much my siblings had grown and changed in the two years i had been gone. My first official day back I went with my dad to work at the Salt Lake Temple. I went and did some temple work then met hEireann at the temple and did some temple baptisms as well, we began dating which was a wonderful experience although it didn’t really last long hut we remained friends, ironically after we stopped seeing each other she was also impregnated by a guy she was seeing. 

Life lately Has been insane, and wrought with depression, hopelessness, Emptiness, fear, frustration, and many other negative feelings. I know it’s up to me to push through these feelings and see the good in life and the positive which I will do. I know god lives and loves me and that he really is there for us and will continue to be there if we just take the time to seek him and his spirit. I know that as I continue to do this that my life will be that much better and I will have a greater measure of his spirit with me always. 

The hell continues.

Well it would appear that life is definitely a roller coaster, not just an up-and-down type of roller coaster but one that takes you super high and spins you all around,  all while the actual car itself is spinning around.

This past May I picked up a second job working with centennial management group which provides staffing and security services for the Maverick center usana amphitheater and any other place and where conventions or concerts are taking place that hire my company. It’s not a bad gig all in all. I have been able to see many concerts through this second job and it’s awesome because I’m being paid to see bands that I want to see anyway. I picked up a second job in hopes of being able to put additional money towards paying down some debt.

It’s frustrating though because I feel that when I am working, my wife can’t get much of anything done at the house because the kids won’t go down to bed for her, Or at least the twins won’t go down for her as easily as they do for me. This is incredibly frustrating because were supposed to be a team that Splits responsibilities equally when ones go on the other picks of the slack. This has lead to Us fighting a lot more. The fighting has going on to the point now where I don’t even know how I feel about my wife. Which is sad because at one point I loved her and now I’m not sure what I feel other than just animosity as of late.

The thing that makes it hard especially is that I love my daughter and my boys and I don’t want to mess the lives up if we split up, however if we stay together and things continue to be like this it can also mess their lives up. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don’t really have anyone to turn to and express how I truly feel. Work is keeping me busy at my main job which is great and really doing well there. But internally and feel like I’m just a mess mentally and emotionally and we will also say physically right now because I just I’m so exhausted because I’m up late so often dealing with cleaning up the house doing laundry and things like that. Each and every time I talk to my wife about this, it causes another fight in which they say I do a walk around the house too. To which I usually i rebutted  “will you show me what you do then? because I come home in the middle of the night sometimes after 11:30 to midnight and find the house destroyed.”Which I end up staying up late and cleaning.  I know I should just go to sleep but my mother also watches our children for us while my wife and I work in our main jobs and I feel bad she comes over finding the house to be destroyed.

Today was no exception to said arguing, I don’t know how much more this I can take. I actually told my wife that I hate her and at a later point in the evening I flat out told her that I should’ve let her break up with me instead of me fighting  to stay with her. Starting to feel like marrying her was a massive mistake. I know I shouldn’t feel this way because I have my children with her. But unfortunately that also just causes greater amounts of problems if we did split up because of the whole who gets the kids for how long? Who will take our daughter to school (Which is always me, due to the close proximity of my work to our home and her school), how much child-support I would end up paying since I live in a state that seems to be very much against fathers having sole custody of their children.

I am more than well aware of the fact that a child needs their father and mother together but also I feel that in situations that are similar to this one it might be better for them to not be together. However I also worry about My wife Storrey today at again, and who’s to say that she didn’t bring home some predator of some sort by now fault of her own. It’s not that I don’t trust my wife I just don’t trust other people with my daughter. Also I have nowhere to go if we did end up splitting up or even separating because my siblings don’t seem to understand the concept of moving out staying out. So therefore there’s no room for me at my parents house.  I’m finding a place that’s closer proximity to work at my daughter school will be a living hell. My only hope is that I can keep working really hard to get a good race of this is happened like afford a better place and time. I’m starting to have a really hard time with everything else in my life other than my job that’s one of the very good things is happening to me right now. Starting to wonder if god is even aware of me anymore because of everything that goes on and how badly I feel about everything.

Times are a changing.

07/17/2017
     Things arent getting better with the mrs and I. . She has been more eratic and unstable emotionally. Tonight especially, its been way hard dealing with her since she had the babies. I understand she has post partum depression coupled with her regular depression but it makes me feel like i have to walk on eggshells nonstop. She starts crying and yells at me and wont stop! It is making me feel like a piece of shit that doesnt matter, she only ever brings up the post partum whenever she gets upset and we begin fighting. It's really starting to bother me because she doesn't listen and see that this is a problem being caused by her and the way she's acting.  Call me to say that I'm not any part of the problem but she starts yelling at denies it vehemently. It's almost like she doesnt understand she is being hurtful. But whatever my feelings don't matter anyway i'm just the father.  For example my daughter yelled at me so i put  her in a timeout. After i brought her out her mother got mad at me for trying to put the towell my daughter used after bath tonight away. She yelled "i'm using that towell!" So i tossed back onto the couch  at which point my daughter yelled at me again which set off another argument, shay blames me for caroline yelling. I said "you yelled not me"  to which she said you are yelling (i wasn't). This is getting really old  and it is affectingly everything. Especially caroline, which upsets me the most.

     I truly don't know how to deal with this anymore. Sometimes i wonder how many other men have to deal with this crap, with or without the postpartum. Words can't describe how hard this has been on me, but once again my feelings don't matter so why mention it.

As far as work goes things have been improving alot, my new boss is awesome! Way better than my old boss. Things started improving pretty much the first day he began managing when the old boss was out of the office. For two awesome weeks everything seemed awesome, my numbers improved and everything seemed to fall into place for me. My statements seemed to flow better and my statement write ups improved alot as well.  It would appear that the amount of stress I was holding within was dissolving. Then the old boss came back for a final week before transferring

    Then came the  department of insurance complaint. There was a claim in which some damages to the vehicle of a non allstate customer had more damages to it and i was unable to verify if they were related to the accident. the shop was no help either. She chose a non-network shop to handle repairs and never told me when she was going to take the vehicle in for repairs so i was unable to provide her with a rental vehicle for her since i had accepted liability for the damages to her vehicle. She decided to go to the dept of insurance over it. Which is bot a good thing tonhabe happen. Its behind me now.

The beginning.

Lately i've been feeling way stressed about everything and have needed an outlet. This is the format i've chosen. It seems that lately things have been crapping all over me work is getting harder and harder as is my home life. I've become more angry at home and I'm generally not like that. To be perfectly frank it's very concerning.

I work as a claims adjuster at a major auto insurance company and most days I really like it but some days are super difficult. Especially with the way things have been going. I see people with less time than myself in the position excelling faster than i am. Its frustrating that i'm not succeeding. I dont know what to do. It seems the harder i try the worse off i am getting. I wish there was somebody i could turn to for help.
Another part of my frustrations are my family. My parents are good people but thet bother me so very much as does my older sister who can't seem to get her life together for much of anything. Shes almost 33 and hasn't kept a full time job for very long if ever. Its frustrating that my parents are watching my daughter and the tension at their home is seeping over into my sweet little daughter, shes becoming more aggressive toward us after being there. My father is a huge source of tension, aleays upset about something. For instance today when i asked my mom if she could start coming to our home again to babysit my daughter. Which is what she used to do before my nephew needed to be taken to school everyday, which started requiring us to take her to their home which is 25 minutes away. This wouldn't be so problematic if not for the fact that I am fighting traffic the entire time to and from there to work. I'm constantly late to work because of this but it would seem that my parents have developed an attitude of it's not my problem. I mentioned how far behind I have gotted with work and how my being late is one root cause of such. My father said well mom can come out in the morning  but you need to come here in the afternoon. i said thats not the original agreement. He said braxton needs to be taken to school, i said let his parents figure it out since they finally moved out of my parents home.  He said well i will wake up early on Mondays (his day off work) and take him then, to which i responded quit playing the victim card which he said i'm not,  yes you are I said they need to figure out how to take care of their kid. My final statement was which is more important Braxton having a ride to school or me keeping my job. The one that I busted my butt for a year to get? My father mentioned something about wear and tear on moms car to which I replied I pay you for gas and I do you oil changes and maintain your cars (we also pay my mother monthly to watch my daughter) My sister came in at said well Jake and Janelle pay mom for gas to which i responded  "this does not concern you, butt out" which of course got her all pissed off at me nothing new there.
I myself see being near them for too long is a problem as it changes who i am after being exposed to them. Like some kind of infectious disease or too much exposure to the suns rays can either change you for good or bad. It's not good for me to be near them too long.  I truly wonder about the effects it will have on my Twin boys whom will be born in September.

This brings me to another exciting but very nerve racking next stage in my life becoming parent of more than one child. We are expecting twin boys this september. To say the news of twins came as a surprise would be an understatement. I nearly cursed out loud at the news if not for the fact that my two year old daughter Sitting on my lap in the doctors office at our first ultrasound. The surprises kept coming with the discovery that they were identical and finally culminating with the discovery that they are indeed boys.  When my wife was pregnant the first time I felt a distinct impression that we would be having a daughter. I'm Just as excited as last time with more excitement as we found out its twin boys. The thing that worries menis thay my wife wants to stop working sometime after the twins are born. This worries me because she has amazing health insurance and the stuff at my work is not very good and its a high deductible plan which is more cause for worry. Three kids and two adults are going to be costly to insure. Its all very overwhelming.

How am i supposed to support a family all by myself? My wife makes what i make and with out her salary I worry that we wont be able to support ourselves. When at happens in the event of a major medical emergency? It would literally bankrupt us (with my works insurance). I know i've been raised to have faith in things but there are times when i feel faith isnt enough. Just to believe things will work out isn't enough to help us eat or pay bills. I want to move up at work but the way things are going there lately i'm grateful i have a job at all.

I've been ranting enough for now. I suppose I will end this post and see how i feel later. I'll more than likely be back to vent some more.